WetSCREAM Newsletter

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THOUGHTS FROM THE SEA HORSE...

Dear GENTLE SWIMMER: My distant cousin, Punxsutawney Phil, informs me that spring is coming early this year.  And not a moment too soon!  This cold, dry winter weather is creating so much havoc with my skin that no amount of moisturizing seems to be helping!  But on a more positive note, the Sea Horse is excited for the return of warm weather, and warmer seas.  Of course there is something to be said about seas that are too warm.  The Sea Horse has discovered that someone (in this case FINA [the Fédération Internationale de Natation], the world body that governs swimming, diving, etc.) actually mandates pool temperatures for swimming competitions of between 25C (77F) and 28C (82F).  The folks south of the border (USA Swimming) suggest that this temperature range also works well for swim team and lap swimming (meaning for us).  Temperatures higher than these are indicated for resistance training (28C to 30C), and therapy and rehabilitation (33C to 35C).  Perhaps 25C is a little warm for sushi, but 30C would certainly cook my fish.  And indeed the Sea Horse certainly felt cooked, attempting to survive the bathwater temperature that was the Jimmie Simpson pool earlier this week.  Gentle Swimmer, swimming in these conditions is well, inhuman.  And as someone who is not human, I can certainly attest to this.  Although these types of bathwater temperatures have long been a part the Jimmie Simpson mystique, isn’t it time someone turned down the dial (even a bit)? 

Dear GENTLE SWIMMER: The Sea Horse abhors the spilling of blood, be it in the pool or as was the case last weekend, on the tile floor of the locker room. As it turned out, there was a small shard of glass in a corner of the locker room floor that one unfortunate soul (or rather sole) had the misfortune of encountering (end on, I may add) with the underside of their foot. The skin was instantly punctured, and the shard quickly embedded; not a pleasant situation. As more than just a little blood was spilled as a consequence of this encounter, you may have seen, as the Sea Horse did, a trail of small red dots winding their way across the locker room tile floor... Fortunately, a little bit of "at home" surgery with a Swiss Army knife and tweezers was enough to remove the shard, but not without some discomfort. Why anyone would bring a glass container to the pool is beyond the Sea Horse's comprehension. But suffice it to say, that glass should not be anywhere near a pool. So as a precaution to prevent more blood spillage, perhaps you might consider donning some sort of rubber footwear from the locker room to the pool deck, and then back again, so that future incidents like this can be avoided. That it is now winter, it is good to know that once you leave the pool, you won't be wearing this rubber footwear onto the streets, and in public. That, of course, would be tragic (but those are Thoughts for a warmer day).

Dear GENTLE SWIMMER: As the eyes are said to be the window to the soul (and as you know, the Sea Horse is a gentle soul), it stands to reason, that his eyes are as gentle.  So when the Sea Horse catches a glimpse of your faded, well-worn swimsuit hanging limply from your perfectly formed ass, he is troubled (on a side note, it is likely that when Vesper Lynd made that comment about James Bond’s “perfectly formed ass” in Casino Royale, she had not gazed upon him emerging from the Bahamian surf in that little blue squarecut number).  But I digress…  The problem with swimsuits is, of course, that they wear out.  Indeed, it is well known that suits made with spandex or elastane (a synthetic polyurethane-polyurea copolymer invented by the DuPont chemical company, otherwise known as Lycra^®) are more susceptible to breakdown when exposed to chlorine and sunlight; they fade and loose elasticity.  Some reports indicate that this can occur in as few as 30 uses (which is fast).  Even if you swim 3 times a week, in a matter of a couple of months, your swim suit could be well on its way to disintegration!  And let’s just all agree, that this is not pretty.  One way around all of this, of course, is that you purchase a chlorine-resistant polyester swim suit.  GENTLE SWIMMER, I will only say this once because the Sea Horse does not support the normal wearing of non-natural fabrics.   So please listen up.  Polyester suits are virtually indestructable and they can last a couple of years.  That’s right, YEARS, without sagging or fading.  So suit-up in all of your polyester glory this new year!  And say a fond farewell to the sagginess that is Lycra^® and ‘hello’ to a perfectly formed ass!

Dear GENTLE SWIMMER: Who are these people making me learn to flip turn and dive off a starting block?  Seriously.  First, the shot of water up my delicately tapered nose is more than just a little bit disturbing, and second, the Sea Horse gets out of the pool looking as if someone has flogged the living daylights out of his chest (not that there’s anything wrong with that [flogging], of course).  However misdirected you believe this to be, there is, of course, a method to the madness.  While you may think some skillsets to be on the mundane side (like hiding your Northbound Leather bag containing your recently purchased collar and matching leash from your mother whom you have just bumped into at the Eaton Centre) or balancing your bank account (and wondering why the words ‘Northbound Leather’ keep making appearances on your statement), all have some value.  Flip turns may increase your momentum off the wall, and give you a speed advantage compared to an open turn.  As well, a well done flip may take significant time off your total swim time over a given distance.  Neither the flip turn nor the block dive are difficult to learn, but like everything, some practice with a bit of patience are required.  The Sea Horse learned how to flip turn years ago, in a little pool, overheated for the many geriatrics that frequented it.  Now the Sea Horse is a bit of a flip turn stud (even if I do say so myself…).  And while the Sea Horse has never been accused of being a “flip turn whore”, it is fair to say that many a tête-a-têtes in foreign waters have started off by someone complimenting the oh so fabulous flip turns of the Sea Horse.

Dear GENTLE SWIMMER: The Sea Horse is a fanatic shopper, and there is no better time to “shop ‘til you drop” than now with Boxing Day sales running amok throughout the city!  This year on Boxing Day, the Sea Horse has been pricing swimming pool lane ropes, just in case.  These relatively thin plasticized wires, replete with coloured plastic disks do have a tendency to snap when undue forces are applied to them by say, swimmers who hang on to or bounce on top of them.  Indeed, the Sea Horse has discovered that lane ropes are very pricey indeed!  Retailing for some $500+ for each 25 m rope and over $1,000 for a 50 m rope, these items (unlike those awful Christmas sweaters) DO NOT go on sale on Boxing Day.  It is regrettable, non?  So if you need to rest after a long (or maybe not so particularly long) set, have those at the end of the pool make room (see my archived “Thoughts” regarding the anatomical dimensions of humans versus sea horses a few weeks back).  As with much of the equipment you may encounter at the pool, replacement costs may be passed on to everyone be they you or those pesky little rug rats who litter the pool deck or change rooms with their nasty belongings.